Return

After months of neglect and excuses, I’m back here again and every time, I’d question myself, ‘Where did all the time go?’.

Much has changed for the past few months. Life, people, everything. I’ve seen seen and learned a lot. Self-explored a little here and there, discovered what I like and don’t like. Hence, to put my lessons in words here:

Every now and then, I found myself to be very uncertain of things. I’m always ambivalent which lead to confusion. As much as I’d hate to admit, there’s a high chance that the main reason stems from my insecurities and self-doubts. My fear of stepping out of my comfort zone. And yet, there’s always that sudden moment of epiphany which made me went, ‘Just go for it!’.

I’m a fluid person when it comes to my personality, to some degree. I tend to blend in to which ever group of people I surround myself with. I can be proper and wild; soft and loud. I have a propensity for mimicking and imitating, whether it’s speech patterns or wardrobe choices. This doesn’t mean I don’t have a sense of self, my very own persona. I know who I am. But, it is fun to be someone else when life gets mundane and boredom seeps in.

On weekends where I’m in my comfy sweats and pants, many thoughts wandered my mind. Some fleeting, some lingering; some are questions; some resolutions. When I think about life, I find it very true of what the character, Jane/John in the movie, ‘Predestination’ said, ‘Purpose’. Life becomes meaningless, pointless when you don’t have a purpose. It drives you, keeps you moving forward. There’s so much more than to be a walking empty shell.

So now, I’m taking baby steps, I want to make my life more interesting. I want to keep myself entertained and preoccupied. I can’t deal with ennui, that of which carries with it, melancholy and loneliness. Happy weekend!

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