Lately, I’ve been feeling blue and bloated. Main reason being my approaching ‘crimson wave’ and I hope this better be over and done with soon. I don’t like to be in a constant state of mood swings where most of the time, I’m either feeling down or extremely irritable. Plus, today’s scorching weather wasn’t helping either. Ugh, I can’t deal with the heat!
Yesterday, I attended my first class in my post grad course after being on a hiatus for nearly a year. It was a good lecture and I understood most of the materials but… I was alone. There were hardly any familiar faces when I entered the hall. My previous classmates have all either passed the papers and moved on to chambering at law firms or those who failed either decided to do self-study or sign up for the revision classes instead of the regular ones I’m currently attending. I’d reckon it’ll have to wait till April to see whether I’ll bump into any of my old acquaintances and friends again. The feeling of regret and self-pity is starting to sink in as I realised I’m gonna be sitting for an exam with my juniors and this could’ve all been avoided if I didn’t deferred my papers last year.
Besides that, I’m still haunted by him, subconsciously. In fact, I’m starting to feel disgusted and humiliated about what I’ve done to myself. I wish I hadn’t met him; I wish I hadn’t made that stupid mistake. If I have the chance to change my past, I’d definitely erase this chapter. I don’t want to remember anything that has to do with him. Such ridiculous notion, I know.
Another recent event to add on my ‘misery‘ is I’ve ran out of interesting anime or TV series to watch. There’s no more of that pleasant feeling of anticipation. You know, that post-binge-watching-depression; stuck in a rut sorta situation. I want to be able to look forward to something everyday when I wake up but that’s not gonna happen anytime soon.
That being said, it’s not easy for me to admit these things. Frankly, it’s embarrassing and I feel like an idiot. Obviously, I’m fully aware that it’s pointless to live in the past. You don’t go through life walking backwards instead. Still, I figured my mood might improve once I write my feelings down. After all, better in than out, they say. Well then, I’ll be braving my 8 hours-classes tomorrow. So much for happy weekends…