Green Isn’t Your Colour

When I reflect on the decisions I’ve made in the past, I cringe at my lack of logic and reason. I can be very irrational especially when I find myself overwhelmed with emotions. You could say I’m quite volatile, especially with my impulsive behaviour in certain circumstances. However, there are times when I would sit myself down and gather my thoughts. Thank goodness for that. Ultimately, people learn from their mistakes, do they not?

One thing I’ve always been guilty of is jealousy. Gah! I hate to see myself green with envy at other’s success or happiness. It’s an ugly feeling and I could slap myself for giving into this sort of negativity. I was having a discussion with ElijahΒ the other night and truly, age does not define wisdom. There are times like this where I realize how grownup my brother has become. Here we are, in the middle of the night where he listens to my rants and offers me some insightful advice.

Jealousy is a topic I never like to talk about because of fear. Fear of judgments and ridicules when I admit to it. Moreover, when I make such a confession, I fear this will draw distances between my friends and I. As in, they might not want to share their stories of success or delight out of fear that I would be jealous of them. And what kind of friend would I be in this picture? An awful one. Yes, people can have weaknesses from time to time but this matter is one I’ve gone over and over to a point that it seems like I’ve not learned my lesson. Which, is the main reason why I’m penning this down today -virtually- . This post shall set as a reminder to myself as I try my best toΒ overcome thisΒ pessimistic state.

Now to the root of the problem. Social media. It’s like a double-edge sword. I’ve read somewhere which said some studies have revealed how people would get depressed when they log onto social media and see how well others are doing, whether it be in life or career. Over the months, I’ve seen a lot of things. There’s my former classmates getting started with their pupillage at law firms; there’s my cousin, doing exceedingly well in her career and she’s just a month older than me; there’s my other cousin, travelling around the world, having possibly the best time of his life; oh look, somebody’s enjoying her marital bliss; oh wow, there’s another one who’s getting happily married; whoa, these Youtubers have really got their future figured out! All these happy news could give you an existential crisis.

So, to fix my problem, first thing’s first, I’m the realist changing my mindset. Instead of getting bitter, I must look at the bright side. Always look at the bright side in life because if not, how are you going to survive? Instead of focusing so much on the unnecessary need to compare, I should pay attention to myself. What am I doing? What am I here for? What’s the plan? I need to ask myself these questions instead of aimlessly going about. If I envy other’s success, why not I work hard for one too? Seriously, in a situation like this, you need to roast yourself so that you can slap some sense into that petty side of yours.

No matter how you look at it, happiness is a choice, whether you like it or not. That jar of positivity ain’t gonna fill up itself, I have to be the one to do it. It just boils down to whether I want to be happy; whether I want to be content with what I have.

Ah, I do love self-reflection pieces like this because it’s refreshing and it changes my outlook. That aside, once I’ve vent out these nonsense, it makes more room for common sense.

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(PS Yes, the title is a reference to that episode in My Little Pony. A show I absolutely love!)

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