More often than not, the mind forgets and the heart takes over. That is why I need to write this down so that when I lost my way, I can come back here and retrace my steps.
Last week, I had an encounter with someone from my past; someone whom I haven’t seen for almost 5 years. He was an old crush from my high school days. I was awkwardly shy back then and didn’t have the courage to walk up to him and say ‘hello’. He was in the so-called ‘popular group’ so naturally, I was even more intimidated to approach him and introduce myself. All I could recall was that he and I went to the same church camp and there was a brief moment where he passed me by when we were at the stairs. I wanted to turn around and greet him but alas, I wasn’t brave enough to do so. When I graduated from high school, I started to attend the Sunday service like other adults instead of youth service and there he was, playing the drums in the main sanctuary as the team led the praise and worship. Years passed and I continue to hold onto this silly little crush until I decided to leave the church because of what happened at home. That moment, I told myself to let go of this senseless infatuation on a guy who doesn’t even know I exist and that, the next time I see him again, he’ll probably be taken.
Fast forward to last Sunday evening, I was scrolling through this dating app my friend recommended. I was getting overwhelmed with exam revisions and I needed a little break. Call it entertainment or distraction if you will, but I needed an outlet for stress. Lo and behold, his profile showed up. What’s more was that based on our answers to the match questions asked by the app, we were very much compatible in terms of interests and values. There’s also the little details such as we share the same birth month, the same surname blah blah blah. And that was all it took for the silly emotions to come rushing back. I was all giddy and excited like a fool.
In the spirit of -for lack of a better word- staking my claim, I sent him a message on the app without realizing he’s an inactive user. To make matters worse, I got impatient and decided to send him a friend request on Facebook. But, in my defense, I wanted to add him on Facebook long time ago when I was still attending that church. Still, that window of opportunity has passed and now isn’t the best time to do it. I ended up deleting my dating profile as I decided to quit that app. So here I am, digging my own grave as he has yet to accept my friend request. It’s either he’s ignoring it while trying to figure out who is this creepy chick or he’s going to delete it in his lack of interest or if he’s freaked out.
I hated the fact that I was so easily affected. I got carried away. I couldn’t even focus on anything else as I kept getting distracted for the entire week. I was a hopeless romantic, fantasizing and daydreaming about someone who barely knows me. As the day goes by, I started to clear my head after multiple venting sessions with my girlfriends. The more I channeled my feelings out, the more I was in my right mind. The whole notion about this encounter being one of destiny was absurd.
Why am I getting overjoyed about? He and I are never going to meet again since the chances of us stumbling upon one another is slim. We don’t study in the same field and I don’t go to that church anymore. Likewise, if I were to show up, he’d recognize me and run for the hills. We don’t have many mutual friends except for the ones that I once knew when I was in that old church. They’re more of acquaintances if anything. All in all, it was a lost cause.
Besides, if I were to put myself in his position, I’d freak out if a guy were to appear to me all of a sudden and profess that he has had a huge crush on me when I barely knew the person. It’s insane. I understand that sometimes, we’re tired of social rules and dating games but we’re humans, we don’t appreciate what comes easy to us. I shouldn’t approach the guy with an agenda for relationship but rather, with the intention to get to know the person better. I shouldn’t force an encounter to happen in such a short amount of time. Who’s to say we’re a good match just because of some online compatibility test, I might not like what I see if I get a little closer.
Yes, the heart wants what the heart wants but at the end of the day, these things take time and I just have to put this aside. If it’s meant to be, it will be.