Scratch that

What am I doing right now? Why did I say that? Why did I do that? Where am I heading with this? What’s my calling? Why am I always falling behind? Why am I always the last one to finish the race? Why am I the one who has to go through all this?Β 

I’m… not in a good place right now. I’m empty on the inside. There’s this void which I constantly look for something to fill it up with. I open myself up to temptation, any distraction will do as long as it keeps me entertained. I’m running away from reality, I don’t want to face it. I’d rather live in my fantasies, daydreaming the day away. I crave for something I just can’t seem to get.

I yearn for fulfillment; I seek for happiness. In life, love and work. There’s no right amount of words which can express the frustration I feel every time I have to pick myself up. All the pieces, no matter how many times I put them back together, I can still see the cracks. I feel them, eating me away, niggling at me. And if I’m not careful with it, I could drown in my melancholy thoughts. I’m weak not because I wasn’t strong but because I’ve used up all my strength.

Every now and then, it feels like there’s nobody who can truly understand how I feel. Of course, I appreciate my friends’ concern and words of encouragement. But then again, they were never really in my shoes, so compassion is as much as they can offer me. And then there’s judgment. Admit it, we’re all humans and we have that tendency to judge others with our own standards. It’s also the reason why I regret those times I open myself up to people. Yes, Hagrid, I shouldn’t have said that, I should not have said that.

It seems as though everyone around me has found their place in this world. Whether it be a happily ever after with someone, achievement at work or family life. Then there’s me with nothing to look forward to or be happy about. I’m in stagnant waters, with nowhere to go and no one to lean on.

I know, I’m such a killjoy. I’m aware of the thousands of positive or inspirational quotes and mantras that can be thrown at me right now. But for now, leave me be.Β 

It’s nothing. I’m fine.

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